My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
