with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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