I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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