My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
