using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
