I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
