why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
