This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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