Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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