I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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