that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
