If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ruined the universe
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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