Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is Oprah even human
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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