you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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