She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
