woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
