I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
