I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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