Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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