You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
