My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
