I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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