the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
