we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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