Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
