I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
