My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
