So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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