I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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