she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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