It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
