It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
