DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
