you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
