My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
