Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
