I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
