I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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