she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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