I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize