I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
