Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
