I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
