Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
