My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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