I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize