the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
