Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
