My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
