it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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