I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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