I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
