Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
