this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
