im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I did not marry a roomba.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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