I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
