I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So. Much. Porn.
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